oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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