Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
