Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
