This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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