Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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