So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
