bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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