Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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