I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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