just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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