I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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