I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
