2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
