I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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