How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
