my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
