Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
