They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
