i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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