I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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