The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
