I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
