when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
whose parrot is this?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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