so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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