guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
