I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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