Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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