Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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