Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
