You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
