I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
