Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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