rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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