Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
