She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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