nut hugger
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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