Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
this will be a night to untag.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
