Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
