i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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