He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
