Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
