My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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