i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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