haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
