me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
