lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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