I wish my penis had an off switch
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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