u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
