My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Come on in and take your pants off
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