i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Semen is not good for contacts.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
