i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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