I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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